have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
