I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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