how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
