im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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