if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
