My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
