My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Oh god it's open bar.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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