There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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