turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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