Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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