I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
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