He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
