well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
