hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize