id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
