My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
