She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
