he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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