I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
