so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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