You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
