Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
