thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
