I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
