Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
