Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
