I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
