My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
