gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
