You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
