im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
