All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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