Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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