Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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