Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
