that's an acceptable place to lick
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
