i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
