I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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