All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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