You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Apparently you make a good broom.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
