I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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