Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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