I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
