Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
