My Higher Power is John Stamos
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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