Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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