Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Is it penis luge time yet?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
