There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
