At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
