I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
