My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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