I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
