So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm having to shit out rocks
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
