why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize