I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
