i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
